Reverb11 Day 22 (told you I was out of order)
If I could quit my day job and my quality of life would stay the same, what would I do?
COOK! I would have one of those HUGE farm kitchens. I would garden (the way my father has for my whole life). I would "put up" vegetables, jar my own tomatoes, bake my own bread and even try my hand at making butter and cheese. I still remember the Brownie activity where we churned our own butter in a mason jar. I would have one of those fabulous pantries where all the staples like flour, sugar and other grains would be stored in huge roll-out bins. I'd have a 6-burner oven with a grill in the middle. I'd experiment with flavors and seasonings. I have a spice cabinet that is completely out of control and I keep buying more. I almost exploded when I found out my favorite spice company opened a store a mere 60 minute drive away. I have kitchen appliances galore and can always find more I want - my collection includes a bread maker, immersion blender, food processor, Kitchen-Aid Stand Mixer, a clay pot, griddles (flat and grilling), and an apple corer/slicer (hey it was a gift).
I once made a spring baked vegetable medley. I still remember how gorgeous it all looked in the pan before going in the oven - the colors, the smells, the feel of the vegetables. I should have taken a picture and am still searching for the recipe. I would wallow in food-lusciousness.
Some of my favorite memories from childhood all involve food. here are just a few!
Helping my father pick veggies in the garden
Helping my dad & grandmother jar the tomatoes - my job was turning the crank on the strainer that separated out the seeds and skin.
On Easter, we would spend hours in the basement kitchen (hey, I'm Italian, we all have an extra kitchen in the basement, it's required or they take away your ID card) making stroufela and bow ties.
For the holidays, my grandmother would hand roll pasta dough and make raviolis. We would spread white sheets on the beds and lay them out to dry.
Eating concord grapes off the vines in the backyard - plus figs, raspberries & strawberries.
Going to places like farmers markets and Whole Foods are like religious pilgrimages for me. I enjoy grocery shopping. I made all of my son's baby food. To this day he has never had a fruit out of a can. He'll probably fall in love with cling peaches (I actually love them).
I have 3 fig trees in my backyard. If I had my way, I'd have 10 plus other fruit trees.
I just want to point out that my longest, and perhaps most passionate blog so far, has been about food. I talk about food the way people talk about their crushes. Come on over, I'll feed you.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Shake, Shake, Shake
Reverb 11: Day 29 Shaking things up next year
What can I do to shake things up next year? Try a new hair color? Go sky diving (so not going to happen)? Wear shorter skirts?
None of the above. My answer is surprisingly boring to some but major to me. I am going to actually try dating again. Now, before you get excited thinking I have someone in mind, I don't. I have been single for 2.5 years and in that time I have become a mom. Not a whole lot of time for even meeting people. Never mind the fact that I am exhausted on a good day. Who has the time and energy for dating? Apparently lots of people do. People with kids, people without kids, people who are older than me, younger than me, and even my father managed to date and re-marry about 15 years ago - and this was before Internet dating.
So I am going to try. Not quite sure how though I may, maybe, just might, sort of kind of, try the Internet since I know way too many wonderful, intelligent, fabulous people who have found partners on-line. I am also going to try and get out a wee bit ore. OK, going out 2X a year would be a lot more for me. Baby steps, OK?
What can I do to shake things up next year? Try a new hair color? Go sky diving (so not going to happen)? Wear shorter skirts?
None of the above. My answer is surprisingly boring to some but major to me. I am going to actually try dating again. Now, before you get excited thinking I have someone in mind, I don't. I have been single for 2.5 years and in that time I have become a mom. Not a whole lot of time for even meeting people. Never mind the fact that I am exhausted on a good day. Who has the time and energy for dating? Apparently lots of people do. People with kids, people without kids, people who are older than me, younger than me, and even my father managed to date and re-marry about 15 years ago - and this was before Internet dating.
So I am going to try. Not quite sure how though I may, maybe, just might, sort of kind of, try the Internet since I know way too many wonderful, intelligent, fabulous people who have found partners on-line. I am also going to try and get out a wee bit ore. OK, going out 2X a year would be a lot more for me. Baby steps, OK?
Memorable Gifts
Reverb Day 25: Most Memorable Gift
OK, so I am not only behind but also out of order. Anyway....
The most memorable gift I have EVER received happened on November 20, 2009. It was the gift of motherhood. No, I did not give birth that day but I was chosen by my son's birth-mom to parent him. In the space of 6 hours I went from a relatively laid back existence to being a single mother. Some might say that my son was the gift but those who know me know that I am ferocious about positive adoption language - my son is not an object that someone decided to wrap and give me with a hug and kiss. But his birth-mom's decision to place him for adoption, to make a plan that was in his best interest and in turn, make me a mom, was in fact a gift that only those who have gone through the adoption journey (roller coaster, tidal wave, hoop-jumping - take your pick) can truly understand.
Now, when I was sleep deprived, depressed and quite insane the first 6-months or so, I may not have realized exactly how precious this gift is. I was just trying to survive and not accidentally hurt or kill The Bug. But once the dust settled and he started sleeping through the night, and I went back to work and talked to other adults, I could actually think about this and understand the enormity of decisions made, hard ones, painful ones. Once I met his birth-mom and had the opportunity to say thank you in person, I was overcome by this one woman's strength and spirit and mostly her gift - the gift of motherhood.
OK, so I am not only behind but also out of order. Anyway....
The most memorable gift I have EVER received happened on November 20, 2009. It was the gift of motherhood. No, I did not give birth that day but I was chosen by my son's birth-mom to parent him. In the space of 6 hours I went from a relatively laid back existence to being a single mother. Some might say that my son was the gift but those who know me know that I am ferocious about positive adoption language - my son is not an object that someone decided to wrap and give me with a hug and kiss. But his birth-mom's decision to place him for adoption, to make a plan that was in his best interest and in turn, make me a mom, was in fact a gift that only those who have gone through the adoption journey (roller coaster, tidal wave, hoop-jumping - take your pick) can truly understand.
Now, when I was sleep deprived, depressed and quite insane the first 6-months or so, I may not have realized exactly how precious this gift is. I was just trying to survive and not accidentally hurt or kill The Bug. But once the dust settled and he started sleeping through the night, and I went back to work and talked to other adults, I could actually think about this and understand the enormity of decisions made, hard ones, painful ones. Once I met his birth-mom and had the opportunity to say thank you in person, I was overcome by this one woman's strength and spirit and mostly her gift - the gift of motherhood.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Let's Do Lunch
Reverb11 Day 18: If you could have lunch with anybody, who would it be and what would you discuss?
So many people flashed through my mind: Eleanor Roosevelt, Katherine Hepburn, Michelle Obama, Ann Lamott, and many other articulate, amazing, daring women before I quickly settled on the one and only choice, my mother.
My mom died when I was 17 years old after a 6-month stay in the hospital. I was a senior in high school, applying to college, falling in love, hanging out with my friends, eating in diners, going to prom and doing other important 17-year old stuff. Then, she died. And everything changed and I have grown up (supposedly), come out, fallen in love, gotten married, ridden the fertility train, had a miscarriage, got a divorce, started all over, adopted my son, reached the ripe age of 43 (6 years younger than her when she died) and other important stuff. All without my mother.
So that is what I would talk about - everything that has happened since I was 17. I have often wondered how she would have reacted to these life events. Would she have supported me as I came out? Would she have liked, or perhaps, loved my former partner? Would she have supported my family-building choices? Would she love this precious boy who does not look like our family as fiercely as I do? I would ask her about her choices in life, her relationship with my dad, her fierce love of her friends, and many, many parenting questions. Maybe over lunch she could teach me to crochet (I still have the blanket she crocheted for me when I was very little).
It would be a long lunch and maybe if I were lucky we could stretch it into dinner and than dessert. Maybe she'd not want to leave, and we could have a sleepover and breakfast.
So many people flashed through my mind: Eleanor Roosevelt, Katherine Hepburn, Michelle Obama, Ann Lamott, and many other articulate, amazing, daring women before I quickly settled on the one and only choice, my mother.
My mom died when I was 17 years old after a 6-month stay in the hospital. I was a senior in high school, applying to college, falling in love, hanging out with my friends, eating in diners, going to prom and doing other important 17-year old stuff. Then, she died. And everything changed and I have grown up (supposedly), come out, fallen in love, gotten married, ridden the fertility train, had a miscarriage, got a divorce, started all over, adopted my son, reached the ripe age of 43 (6 years younger than her when she died) and other important stuff. All without my mother.
So that is what I would talk about - everything that has happened since I was 17. I have often wondered how she would have reacted to these life events. Would she have supported me as I came out? Would she have liked, or perhaps, loved my former partner? Would she have supported my family-building choices? Would she love this precious boy who does not look like our family as fiercely as I do? I would ask her about her choices in life, her relationship with my dad, her fierce love of her friends, and many, many parenting questions. Maybe over lunch she could teach me to crochet (I still have the blanket she crocheted for me when I was very little).
It would be a long lunch and maybe if I were lucky we could stretch it into dinner and than dessert. Maybe she'd not want to leave, and we could have a sleepover and breakfast.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Gratitude X 5
Reverb11 Day 14 is about gratitude. I am to write about the 5 things for which I am most grateful in 2011. Before I reveal my list, I will admit that every night I say my prayers starting with "Now I lay me down to sleep, I prayer the Lord my soul to keep..." after that I say thank you for that which I am most grateful. I know it is totally OK to pray for the things we need - miracles, winning the lottery, thin thighs, negative test results, our one true love, for kd lang to record a new album, or simply patience and/or faith (the last 2 are big on my list). But I find that if I can end my day with gratitude, it is simply a reminder of the wealth that is in my life, of the gifts that I receive every day. The ones that money did not buy. The gifts that maybe I did not request, or maybe even deserve, but were granted anyway.
The 5 things for which I am most grateful in 2011...
1. my son, my heart
1a. (OK, technically a 6th but it's my blog) My son's birth mother
2. my health
3. my family (and of course their health too)
4. the fact that I have made it through each and every day, sometimes a little worse for the wear, but I made it and I continue to get up each day and do it again
5. the community of women that surrounds me, envelopes me, inspires me, lifts me up, holds my hand, cherishes my child
Me thinks I should be saying thank you a lot more often.
The 5 things for which I am most grateful in 2011...
1. my son, my heart
1a. (OK, technically a 6th but it's my blog) My son's birth mother
2. my health
3. my family (and of course their health too)
4. the fact that I have made it through each and every day, sometimes a little worse for the wear, but I made it and I continue to get up each day and do it again
5. the community of women that surrounds me, envelopes me, inspires me, lifts me up, holds my hand, cherishes my child
Me thinks I should be saying thank you a lot more often.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Fear: Revisited
Reverb Day 13: What Scared You More Than Anything Else
My son turned 2 this year and it has terrified me since the actual birthday. Why? Aren't birthdays supposed to be all happy and jolly and all that stuff? Well, his birthday was happy, etc. Yet I was absolutely overwhelmed by the fact that this small little person, who came to me so suddenly at 4 weeks old and a few hours notice, was now 2. How did this happen so quickly? He walks, talks, points with his middle fingers, counts, sings his ABC's and I am not ready. We are speeding towards 3 at a breakneck speed and I am not ready to lose this baby of mine. I am terrified I will forget how the back his neck feels so soft, how he likes to have his toes kissed, or how he holds my hand so tightly. Before I know it he is going to smell like a sweaty boy, will no longer blow me kisses good night and won't want to even hold my hand. Before I know it we'll be having "the talk" as we shuffle from one sport or activity to the next. Before I know it my baby boy will be a man and this scares me spitless. I am paddling furiously trying to keep up and be the BEST MOM EVER all the while convinced I am actually the WORST MOM EVER.
So what have I learned? I need to stop worrying about the tomorrows that have not arrived yet. I need to stop focusing on the fear and relish every minute I have wit him. I need to tune into his laughter. I need to drop the darn laundry and build tunnels and bridges out of the coolest block set ever. I need to simply BE with my Bug, this child who made me a mother. I need to simply be.
My son turned 2 this year and it has terrified me since the actual birthday. Why? Aren't birthdays supposed to be all happy and jolly and all that stuff? Well, his birthday was happy, etc. Yet I was absolutely overwhelmed by the fact that this small little person, who came to me so suddenly at 4 weeks old and a few hours notice, was now 2. How did this happen so quickly? He walks, talks, points with his middle fingers, counts, sings his ABC's and I am not ready. We are speeding towards 3 at a breakneck speed and I am not ready to lose this baby of mine. I am terrified I will forget how the back his neck feels so soft, how he likes to have his toes kissed, or how he holds my hand so tightly. Before I know it he is going to smell like a sweaty boy, will no longer blow me kisses good night and won't want to even hold my hand. Before I know it we'll be having "the talk" as we shuffle from one sport or activity to the next. Before I know it my baby boy will be a man and this scares me spitless. I am paddling furiously trying to keep up and be the BEST MOM EVER all the while convinced I am actually the WORST MOM EVER.
So what have I learned? I need to stop worrying about the tomorrows that have not arrived yet. I need to stop focusing on the fear and relish every minute I have wit him. I need to tune into his laughter. I need to drop the darn laundry and build tunnels and bridges out of the coolest block set ever. I need to simply BE with my Bug, this child who made me a mother. I need to simply be.
Monday, December 12, 2011
More in 2011
Reverb11-What do I wish I had done more of in 2011.
That's easy: NOTHING. No, I don't mean that there was nothing I had not done enough. What I mean is that I wish I had done nothing more. You see, I have a small problem, I am beginning to think I am programmed to keep doing - moving, laundry, housework, cooking, work, grading, laundry, housework, cooking....there never seems to be enough time to get what I think needs to be done so how can I do nothing? How? There is always something I can prep ahead of time in order to have more time but it never seems to works that way. I am fond of saying "The elves are not going to do it while I am sleeping."
That's easy: NOTHING. No, I don't mean that there was nothing I had not done enough. What I mean is that I wish I had done nothing more. You see, I have a small problem, I am beginning to think I am programmed to keep doing - moving, laundry, housework, cooking, work, grading, laundry, housework, cooking....there never seems to be enough time to get what I think needs to be done so how can I do nothing? How? There is always something I can prep ahead of time in order to have more time but it never seems to works that way. I am fond of saying "The elves are not going to do it while I am sleeping."
Friday, December 9, 2011
Disappointment 101
Reverb today is about a disappointment in the last 12 months that turned out to be a blessing. This was harder than I thought it would be. There are daily disappointments - my thighs are still not thin, Rick Perry is still running for president, and missing the gym. Then there are the BIG ones and this is where I had to think hard. Was it not getting my huge IRS refund (very long story) yet, a work bummer, or a family letdown?
None of the above. It was a change in my living situation which I thought I would not have to deal with for another year. I rent my home and must have a housemate. I thought my last housemate would stay for one more year and then she informed she wasn't and I was freakishly devastated. I was disappointed because I truly enjoyed living with her but also because I did not want the hassle of finding another housemate who could live not just with me but my little guy as well.
The blessing: my new housemate, an unexpected friend and blessing. Someone who is smart, funny and a joy. A person who might possibly love my Bug almost as much as me. Someone who got me to play Rockband and do Zumba for the first time. She actually reminds me to live occasionally. A blessing indeed.
None of the above. It was a change in my living situation which I thought I would not have to deal with for another year. I rent my home and must have a housemate. I thought my last housemate would stay for one more year and then she informed she wasn't and I was freakishly devastated. I was disappointed because I truly enjoyed living with her but also because I did not want the hassle of finding another housemate who could live not just with me but my little guy as well.
The blessing: my new housemate, an unexpected friend and blessing. Someone who is smart, funny and a joy. A person who might possibly love my Bug almost as much as me. Someone who got me to play Rockband and do Zumba for the first time. She actually reminds me to live occasionally. A blessing indeed.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Forgiveness?
Today's Reverb is about forgiveness. I have a question mark in the title because I am supposed to write about whom I have forgiven in the past year and what that journey was like. I do not believe I can answer this question directly. I try to forgive. I have prayed for the ability to forgive. I know I have not actually done this with certain people in my life. Maybe if I could simply start with me I would get better at this. Really not something I like to think about at all.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Reverb #4 Letting Go
I am joining the Reverb Community a bit late. Have followed friends and been impressed by their commitment to write. Finally decided to take the leap. Jumping in now....
What have I let go and how has it affected me? I have decided to try and let go of fear. I really have way too many and none are tangible ones (bugs, snakes, etc) but instead those sneaky fears that creep up on me as I fall asleep - will I be able to pay the bills? can I ever buy a house? can I afford college for my Bug? Will the IRS EVER leave me alone (much longer story). Notice the theme - finances. So I have decided to do what I can now while thinking a bit ahead and not panicking. OK, at least not panicking too much. It's made me a little more relaxed but not as much as I want. I am trying.
What have I let go and how has it affected me? I have decided to try and let go of fear. I really have way too many and none are tangible ones (bugs, snakes, etc) but instead those sneaky fears that creep up on me as I fall asleep - will I be able to pay the bills? can I ever buy a house? can I afford college for my Bug? Will the IRS EVER leave me alone (much longer story). Notice the theme - finances. So I have decided to do what I can now while thinking a bit ahead and not panicking. OK, at least not panicking too much. It's made me a little more relaxed but not as much as I want. I am trying.
The Virgin Blog
A few people have been encourgaing me to write, to blog. I have been resistant. Why? Well, lots of reasons:
1. What do I have to say that others would find interesting?
2. I don't have time to blog
3. I have performance anxiety
4. I have spelling in public anxiety
5. I am boring (see #1)
Then I realized that if I do blog, it's really not for others to read, though if they do I I will be happy. It's for me to write. It's for me to share some of my experiences and hopefully find community through those experiences. It's for me to take a few minutes of time to do domething that I actually enjoy - not something I have to do.
So here I go. Expect to hear about my life as a single mom, sex educator, teacher, nature lover, cat person, my Bug (2 year old son), and other random items. I am inspired by the women in my life who have the courage to share their thoughts. Maybe some day my child will read this and be proud too.
Wow, maybe the first time isn't so hard after all.
1. What do I have to say that others would find interesting?
2. I don't have time to blog
3. I have performance anxiety
4. I have spelling in public anxiety
5. I am boring (see #1)
Then I realized that if I do blog, it's really not for others to read, though if they do I I will be happy. It's for me to write. It's for me to share some of my experiences and hopefully find community through those experiences. It's for me to take a few minutes of time to do domething that I actually enjoy - not something I have to do.
So here I go. Expect to hear about my life as a single mom, sex educator, teacher, nature lover, cat person, my Bug (2 year old son), and other random items. I am inspired by the women in my life who have the courage to share their thoughts. Maybe some day my child will read this and be proud too.
Wow, maybe the first time isn't so hard after all.
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